Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Today has blown my mind. I should technically be asleep, as I graduate tomorrow, but I simply cannot turn my brain off.

New song stuck on repeat in my brain? "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie. Familiar? Should be, they're AWESOME. But these lines keep going through my head:

"I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say."

I've been trying to find the balance between my heart and my mind ever since a shaman told me when I was 16 that I need to "think more with my heart and less with my head," so it's interesting that now the exact opposite is true. It sucks being so sensitive, wanting to believe in love so much that the fantasy becomes better than the reality, and you start living your life based on what you really really want rather than what you actually have. Why do people do this? Why do we build people and situations up so much, yet feel so devastated when they inevitably disappoint us? And why are we so hard on ourselves and others when we prove that we are all just human beings after all, and that by virtue of our humanity we are all fallible? If we can't even accept the mistakes we and others make, how can we learn the power of forgiveness and love?

The follow-up verse to the DCFC song is:

"And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along."

I want to pry everything open and peer beneath the surface and scrape away the veneer until I find some shred of evidence to fulfill the fantasy, rather than just accept the reality. I want, I want, I want for something to be so much that I lose sight of what's actually happening. It's not that I don't enjoy the moment - I am very mindful. It's just that sometimes the moment I create in my head is much different than the moment that is unfolding right in front of me. How many times in our lives have we experienced a situation in which what we built up in our imaginations, when brought to life, turned out to be less than what we expected? Rather than feel sorry for ourselves, we need to learn to accept the situation for what it is. In my case, I let my heart get involved too quickly. I should think things through more clearly. Until I truly internalize this fact, I'm afraid I'll have many more lessons to learn.

I AM ready to share my life with someone, but the circumstances have to be right in both my life and the other person's life if something meaningful and long-lasting is going to occur. I don't want to manufacture a fantasy, I want to live it. Is that really so impossible? I've got some good friends that are involved in beautiful relationships. The elusive "happy couple" actually does exist, but it requires patience and compromise and WORK. It doesn't come easily, and it's not without its share of trials and tribulations. But ultimately, it looks like something wonderful. When it's real and it's good, it's really the best thing there is. So whether we're learning to navigate a romantic relationship or a platonic relationship or familial relationship - anything where love is involved - we need to keep in mind that despite the bullshit, "This too shall pass." It's the strength of the foundation that allows love to endure.

One of the other drawbacks of battling with head and heart is the emotional fallout that occurs when faced with a situation that causes pain. I cannot even tell you how many times I have made the mistake of masking hurt with anger and saying things that I would not say if I would allow myself more time to process and cool down. It's just so awful to hurt, and so easy to be angry. I'm not saying that the anger is the better choice, I'm just saying it's easier.

Deepak Chopra says, “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers." I don't know that this is necessarily true. It seems to me that the more we open our hearts to others, the more our hearts suffer. But isn't it by way of the suffering that we are able to move to love? How can we know the bliss of happiness if we have not suffered the agony of pain?

Someone I care for told me tonight that I am selfish, I am spoiled, I am unreasonable, and I am bitter. I've honestly never experienced anyone saying such harsh things to me. The vast majority of people that know me would actually use the exact opposite words to describe me. They would say I am very nurturing, that I tend to care more for others than I do for myself, that I am very logical - sometimes overly so - and that I am a very forgiving and loving person. I understand that reality is perception, and I am always grateful for people that tell me about myself whether I like it or agree with it or not. But sometimes people are quick to hurl accusations and resort to below-the-belt slams just for the sake of being hurtful. I can't really get down with that. I might be opinionated, but I would never say anything to intentionally hurt someone - never. Admittedly, though, I do need to work on thinking before I speak. Hence, the war of head vs. heart wages on.

Well, I guess I will always believe in the power of forgiveness and the power of love. I have to. As a social worker and as a civil rights activist, I try to see the strength and beauty in everything. I try to build bridges where once there was a vast divide. I know I need to work on my temper. I need to be more reality-based and less prone to fantasy when it comes to relationships - especially romantic ones. I need to work on thinking before I let my heart speak. These are my issues and I own them. But I have come so far from the angry, sad, scared woman I used to be - and I only continue to get better. I am blessed.

I am grateful for everyone that has come into and gone out of my life. You have all effected me in such powerful ways, even I'm not always aware. I especially prize the friends I've had knock down, drag-out fights with because guess what? You challenged me to be a better person, and you didn't relent until I triumphed. Until we triumphed. I love you more for having endured what were some painful and scary and crazy times. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.

Holding on to negative energy does nothing positive or constructive for anyone. We all need to vent. We all need to piss and moan. But then we need to shut the fuck up and move on. As the Zen proverb goes:

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."

Doesn't that just make perfect sense? Everything is not for us to understand, but everything does have its purpose. Another quote I love:

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”

I am enjoying my metamorphasis.

Monday, May 10, 2010


So I just spent the last hour writing a blog and I pressed the wrong button on my keyboard and lost the whole shit.

Perhaps it's for the best - I was writing a detailed account of my failed (albeit brief) relationship with the Hottie Tattoo Artist and that may have been bad karma.

I'm too tired to write a full post, and I don't have the energy to revisit my romantic woes so I'll just mention a couple of observations about my day:

1) Job hunting sucks. It seemed so much easier before. Now that I have a Masters it's like - big shit. People see me as a professional now. While I am confident in my clinical abilities, there is this weird thing nagging at my subconscious. This weird little demon telling me that I'm a phony; that I'm not gonna make it. It's weird and frustrating and puts a lot of undue pressure on the situation. I'm grateful for the support of my friends and family, new and old. I couldn't have made it through these last couple years without them, and I am blessed to have them all in my life.

2) Yoga has changed my life. I cannot even tell you. I've been feeling a little down lately what with school being over indefinitely and roommate drama and being unemployed/running out of student loans and unrequited love (or like, as the case may be) and what-not. I've recently started doing yoga regularly, as for a couple months there I was barely getting it in once a week. I mean, after only a few days of being back to my daily yoga routine, I feel amazing. I feel agile, flexible, energetic when I want to be, sleepy when I need to be, sexy (I don't care what anyone says, yoga IS sexy!) and stress-free. I breathe in deep, cleansing breaths and breathe out all of the bullshit. I feel so good. I am so grateful to have found this exercise.

3) I like Mr. Hottie Tattoo Artist way more than he likes me, and that both hurts and pisses me off. Why doesn't he like me? I don't mean to sound arrogant, but what the hell? If I'm everything he's looking for, why is it so hard for him to take a chance? He moved to fuckin' Canada after only spending a couple weeks with his baby's mom, and he finds her boring and feels no passion with her. Ugh. It's so rare that I like a man enough to keep him around a while, let alone feel like I want to be with him. It's so disappointing when they don't feel the same. It's a weird combination of rejection, sadness, disappointment, incredulity, and indignation that I feel. I hate that he's on my mind ALL the time, and I probably never cross his. I hate that I can't find a guy as handsome and smart and funny and sexy as him that doesn't have all the baggage. I hate that I even have to feel sorry for myself at all. Fuck that.

A few songs on heavy rotation in my brain lately: "Pillow Talk" by Kid Cudi, "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt, "Where I wanna Be" by Donnell Jones, "I'm the One" by Mary J. Blige and "Untouchable Face" by Ani DiFranco. If you don't know 'em - listen. Better yet, read the lyrics. You'll understand exactly what I'm going through. Ugh. Sometimes it sucks being sensitive...

4) I started talking to a new guy today. I like him. He actually talks like he makes some damn sense. He seems to know what he wants. He knows what it takes to form successful relationships with people. He likes to read. He's an artist. He's articulate. He's opinionated. He's patient. His family history is cool. He's single, he doesn't have a baby's mom tucked away in another country somewhere "just in case." He doesn't have any kids. Wowza. He might as well be a fucking unicorn. So, ya know - we'll see how this turns out. Despite my checkered romantic past, I am hopeful. I'm always fucking hopeful.

5) Nurse Jackie and United States of Tara keep getting better and better. US of Tara tonight was particularly great. Lynda P. Frazier is just a great character, and makes me wish she was a real person. And I still say Edie Falco and Toni Collette are two of the coolest women ever. I want to have drinks with them sometime and shoot the shit. Yeah...

There's a first time for everything...

At the behest of several friends, family, professors and other loved ones, I have finally decided to start a blog. I don't have the time or energy to write a book, I don't have the money or the star power to host my own talk show, and trying to get a singing or acting gig in NYC is next-to-impossible - so, I figure blogging is the best form of creative expression and entertainment for the masses at this point in my life.

At first, I was going to write a blog specifically about body image and weight loss issues. I was diagnosed with PCOS six years ago, ballooned up to a weight so astounding a few months ago that I dare not mention it here, and was basically told by my doctor that if I didn't start making some drastic changed in my eating and exercise habits I would develop all sorts of health problems. So now I've started doing yoga several times a week, meditating, eating well and being as constructive as possible. I've lost some weight - it's a slow but steady process - and I'm feeling pretty good. But not everyone can relate to body image/weight loss issues, so I figure that can be one of many themes for this blog.

So I started thinking that maybe my blog would focus on relationship issues - everyone can relate to this area, right? If you check out the "random question" on my main profile page, I'm sure you can gather where I'm at in terms of relationships. Friendship-wise, I'm golden. I've got a few really close friends and bunch of associates and I've completely rid myself of any and all draggers-down over the past few years. I have learned what friendship really means, and prefer to surround myself with people that challenge me to be a better version of myself while simultaneously providing the same amount of emotional support and encouragement that I would anyone I love. I have learned the value of forgiveness - both for myself and others, and am equally as aware of my strengths in relationships as well as my quirks and foibles.

On the romantic front, however, I am all kinds of fucked up. It's intensely frustrating, really. After a pretty chaotic childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood I am feeling for the first time in my life that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the living the life I have always hoped for but never thought I would be able to achieve. Whereas a few years ago I was more concerned with running the streets, partying and running with thugs, I am now focused on my education, my career, and making every day count. I was always afraid of commitment, but have come to an epiphany lately that I am finally ready to share my life with someone worthwhile. Why not? I am beautiful, strong, confident, and successful. I take care of my mind, my body and my soul and live in the service of those less fortunate than I. Basically, my life is beautiful. So why, then, do I continually get involved with people that are emotionally unavailable, people that feel the need to lie, manipulate, and twist the truth to get what they want, people that are selfish and insensitive and don't know how or are too fucked up to go after what they want? I'm sure this theme will continue to be revisited throughout this blog's existence.

So we've got body image, we've got relationships - what else? It's too late to talk about my NYU experience, which was awesome and I could kick myself for not having started this blog sooner. The good news is, though, that I may have completed my MSW - but now begins the job hunt. I'm sure this new leg of the journey should make for some interesting entries.

And of course, living in NYC is consistently thought-provoking...

So, basically, this blog is gonna be a little bit of everything. It'll be like a stream-of-consciousness mini-series - or maybe maxi-series, as the case may be. And I guess my hope is that, in finding my own catharsis through getting everything out of my head and putting it out there into the ether, someone else might be able to relate. How great are those moments when we get to think, "Wow, so I'm not the only one?!?" Also, if it's possible and if the spirit moves my readers, I'd love to hear feedback. Any questions I ask here will more than likely be rhetorical, but I would love to know how other people experience the things I talk about.

So this is where I stand, at 3:40am on Monday, May 10th, 2010:

I finished grad school classes two weeks ago, my internship hours last week, and I will be graduating officially this Wednesday. My mom, dad, stepdad and brother are coming up for the ceremony so stay tuned to hear about what promises to be an interesting (to say the least) story...

I've been dating this super-hot tattoo artist for a couple weeks. I knew his life was kind of a mess when I got involved, which I guess was my first mistake, but he assured me it wouldn't be an issue so I gave him a shot - oops. He's beautiful. I mean, seriously sexy and exotic and handsome and just fuckin' scrumptious. But he's a hot ass mess. We had a bit of a whirlwind there of fucking and drinking and smoking and eating and having crazy fun - and then he just fell off the face of the earth. So he calls me earlier tonight after a couple days of being off the radar and basically tells me that because I have everything going for me, and he's got nothing going for him, he "can't afford to be sidetracked." An interesting and drastic change from what he told me a few days ago, which was something along the lines of "The highlights of my life right now are they days we spend together." Talk about mixed signals. But to paraphrase the Brokeback boys, I just don't know how to quit this mothafucka. More on this to come, I'm sure. In the meantime, I've got a couple more in my back pocket with some potential. So until my tattooed Adonis gets his shit together and realizes that I AM exactly what he's looking for - oh yeah, in his words, "a girl with a pretty face, a fat ass, knows how to cook, has her shit together, classy in public and fucks like a porn star behind closed doors (!!!!!)," I guess I'm gonna have to kiss a couple more frogs. Back to the drawing board...

I'm in the process of finding a new roommate. This is always fun in NYC. My first one was a beautiful but narcissistic and promiscuous twink that stole from me, brought a different man home to bang every-other-night, fucked on my sofa and left owing me $1800. My second one was the younger brother of a famous rockstar with classical "living in shadow" syndrome - always feeling sorry for himself, battling addiction, and suicidal. And my third (current) one is emotionally retarded, passive-aggressive, and just plain weird. Not to mention, I wanna kick her little half dachshund/ half pug mix right in its googly little eyes. But that's neither here nor there. The prospect of having another crazy living in my house is more than a little unnerving. Too bad getting an apartment in this city requires a little thing like having a job. Sheesh. Which bring me to my next point...

I need a damn job! Argh! These student loans are rapidly dwindling, I refuse to tuck my tail between my legs and retreat back to *gasp!* Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and I really, REALLY wanna stay in Brooklyn. So, yeah. This should be interesting...

Aaaand, that's about all for now. I should probably make a disclaimer to my readers that I have no intention of pulling any punches in this blog. Good, bad, or indifferent, I say what's on my mind. I won't name any names, but I'm sure I'll talk shit about some people. It's not that I'm callous, it's that I'm REAL. And sometimes reality hurts. So please understand in advance that if you are reading an entry and it's sounding familiar - it's not meant to hurt anyone. It's just what I'm feeling and thinking at a given time.

So that's all for now, folks! Hope you enjoy the ride!