Amazing.

Today has blown my mind. I should technically be asleep, as I graduate tomorrow, but I simply cannot turn my brain off.

New song stuck on repeat in my brain? "Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab for Cutie. Familiar? Should be, they're AWESOME. But these lines keep going through my head:

"I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say."

I've been trying to find the balance between my heart and my mind ever since a shaman told me when I was 16 that I need to "think more with my heart and less with my head," so it's interesting that now the exact opposite is true. It sucks being so sensitive, wanting to believe in love so much that the fantasy becomes better than the reality, and you start living your life based on what you really really want rather than what you actually have. Why do people do this? Why do we build people and situations up so much, yet feel so devastated when they inevitably disappoint us? And why are we so hard on ourselves and others when we prove that we are all just human beings after all, and that by virtue of our humanity we are all fallible? If we can't even accept the mistakes we and others make, how can we learn the power of forgiveness and love?

The follow-up verse to the DCFC song is:

"And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along."

I want to pry everything open and peer beneath the surface and scrape away the veneer until I find some shred of evidence to fulfill the fantasy, rather than just accept the reality. I want, I want, I want for something to be so much that I lose sight of what's actually happening. It's not that I don't enjoy the moment - I am very mindful. It's just that sometimes the moment I create in my head is much different than the moment that is unfolding right in front of me. How many times in our lives have we experienced a situation in which what we built up in our imaginations, when brought to life, turned out to be less than what we expected? Rather than feel sorry for ourselves, we need to learn to accept the situation for what it is. In my case, I let my heart get involved too quickly. I should think things through more clearly. Until I truly internalize this fact, I'm afraid I'll have many more lessons to learn.

I AM ready to share my life with someone, but the circumstances have to be right in both my life and the other person's life if something meaningful and long-lasting is going to occur. I don't want to manufacture a fantasy, I want to live it. Is that really so impossible? I've got some good friends that are involved in beautiful relationships. The elusive "happy couple" actually does exist, but it requires patience and compromise and WORK. It doesn't come easily, and it's not without its share of trials and tribulations. But ultimately, it looks like something wonderful. When it's real and it's good, it's really the best thing there is. So whether we're learning to navigate a romantic relationship or a platonic relationship or familial relationship - anything where love is involved - we need to keep in mind that despite the bullshit, "This too shall pass." It's the strength of the foundation that allows love to endure.

One of the other drawbacks of battling with head and heart is the emotional fallout that occurs when faced with a situation that causes pain. I cannot even tell you how many times I have made the mistake of masking hurt with anger and saying things that I would not say if I would allow myself more time to process and cool down. It's just so awful to hurt, and so easy to be angry. I'm not saying that the anger is the better choice, I'm just saying it's easier.

Deepak Chopra says, “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers." I don't know that this is necessarily true. It seems to me that the more we open our hearts to others, the more our hearts suffer. But isn't it by way of the suffering that we are able to move to love? How can we know the bliss of happiness if we have not suffered the agony of pain?

Someone I care for told me tonight that I am selfish, I am spoiled, I am unreasonable, and I am bitter. I've honestly never experienced anyone saying such harsh things to me. The vast majority of people that know me would actually use the exact opposite words to describe me. They would say I am very nurturing, that I tend to care more for others than I do for myself, that I am very logical - sometimes overly so - and that I am a very forgiving and loving person. I understand that reality is perception, and I am always grateful for people that tell me about myself whether I like it or agree with it or not. But sometimes people are quick to hurl accusations and resort to below-the-belt slams just for the sake of being hurtful. I can't really get down with that. I might be opinionated, but I would never say anything to intentionally hurt someone - never. Admittedly, though, I do need to work on thinking before I speak. Hence, the war of head vs. heart wages on.

Well, I guess I will always believe in the power of forgiveness and the power of love. I have to. As a social worker and as a civil rights activist, I try to see the strength and beauty in everything. I try to build bridges where once there was a vast divide. I know I need to work on my temper. I need to be more reality-based and less prone to fantasy when it comes to relationships - especially romantic ones. I need to work on thinking before I let my heart speak. These are my issues and I own them. But I have come so far from the angry, sad, scared woman I used to be - and I only continue to get better. I am blessed.

I am grateful for everyone that has come into and gone out of my life. You have all effected me in such powerful ways, even I'm not always aware. I especially prize the friends I've had knock down, drag-out fights with because guess what? You challenged me to be a better person, and you didn't relent until I triumphed. Until we triumphed. I love you more for having endured what were some painful and scary and crazy times. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.

Holding on to negative energy does nothing positive or constructive for anyone. We all need to vent. We all need to piss and moan. But then we need to shut the fuck up and move on. As the Zen proverb goes:

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are."

Doesn't that just make perfect sense? Everything is not for us to understand, but everything does have its purpose. Another quote I love:

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”

I am enjoying my metamorphasis.