There's a first time for everything...

At the behest of several friends, family, professors and other loved ones, I have finally decided to start a blog. I don't have the time or energy to write a book, I don't have the money or the star power to host my own talk show, and trying to get a singing or acting gig in NYC is next-to-impossible - so, I figure blogging is the best form of creative expression and entertainment for the masses at this point in my life.

At first, I was going to write a blog specifically about body image and weight loss issues. I was diagnosed with PCOS six years ago, ballooned up to a weight so astounding a few months ago that I dare not mention it here, and was basically told by my doctor that if I didn't start making some drastic changed in my eating and exercise habits I would develop all sorts of health problems. So now I've started doing yoga several times a week, meditating, eating well and being as constructive as possible. I've lost some weight - it's a slow but steady process - and I'm feeling pretty good. But not everyone can relate to body image/weight loss issues, so I figure that can be one of many themes for this blog.

So I started thinking that maybe my blog would focus on relationship issues - everyone can relate to this area, right? If you check out the "random question" on my main profile page, I'm sure you can gather where I'm at in terms of relationships. Friendship-wise, I'm golden. I've got a few really close friends and bunch of associates and I've completely rid myself of any and all draggers-down over the past few years. I have learned what friendship really means, and prefer to surround myself with people that challenge me to be a better version of myself while simultaneously providing the same amount of emotional support and encouragement that I would anyone I love. I have learned the value of forgiveness - both for myself and others, and am equally as aware of my strengths in relationships as well as my quirks and foibles.

On the romantic front, however, I am all kinds of fucked up. It's intensely frustrating, really. After a pretty chaotic childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood I am feeling for the first time in my life that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the living the life I have always hoped for but never thought I would be able to achieve. Whereas a few years ago I was more concerned with running the streets, partying and running with thugs, I am now focused on my education, my career, and making every day count. I was always afraid of commitment, but have come to an epiphany lately that I am finally ready to share my life with someone worthwhile. Why not? I am beautiful, strong, confident, and successful. I take care of my mind, my body and my soul and live in the service of those less fortunate than I. Basically, my life is beautiful. So why, then, do I continually get involved with people that are emotionally unavailable, people that feel the need to lie, manipulate, and twist the truth to get what they want, people that are selfish and insensitive and don't know how or are too fucked up to go after what they want? I'm sure this theme will continue to be revisited throughout this blog's existence.

So we've got body image, we've got relationships - what else? It's too late to talk about my NYU experience, which was awesome and I could kick myself for not having started this blog sooner. The good news is, though, that I may have completed my MSW - but now begins the job hunt. I'm sure this new leg of the journey should make for some interesting entries.

And of course, living in NYC is consistently thought-provoking...

So, basically, this blog is gonna be a little bit of everything. It'll be like a stream-of-consciousness mini-series - or maybe maxi-series, as the case may be. And I guess my hope is that, in finding my own catharsis through getting everything out of my head and putting it out there into the ether, someone else might be able to relate. How great are those moments when we get to think, "Wow, so I'm not the only one?!?" Also, if it's possible and if the spirit moves my readers, I'd love to hear feedback. Any questions I ask here will more than likely be rhetorical, but I would love to know how other people experience the things I talk about.

So this is where I stand, at 3:40am on Monday, May 10th, 2010:

I finished grad school classes two weeks ago, my internship hours last week, and I will be graduating officially this Wednesday. My mom, dad, stepdad and brother are coming up for the ceremony so stay tuned to hear about what promises to be an interesting (to say the least) story...

I've been dating this super-hot tattoo artist for a couple weeks. I knew his life was kind of a mess when I got involved, which I guess was my first mistake, but he assured me it wouldn't be an issue so I gave him a shot - oops. He's beautiful. I mean, seriously sexy and exotic and handsome and just fuckin' scrumptious. But he's a hot ass mess. We had a bit of a whirlwind there of fucking and drinking and smoking and eating and having crazy fun - and then he just fell off the face of the earth. So he calls me earlier tonight after a couple days of being off the radar and basically tells me that because I have everything going for me, and he's got nothing going for him, he "can't afford to be sidetracked." An interesting and drastic change from what he told me a few days ago, which was something along the lines of "The highlights of my life right now are they days we spend together." Talk about mixed signals. But to paraphrase the Brokeback boys, I just don't know how to quit this mothafucka. More on this to come, I'm sure. In the meantime, I've got a couple more in my back pocket with some potential. So until my tattooed Adonis gets his shit together and realizes that I AM exactly what he's looking for - oh yeah, in his words, "a girl with a pretty face, a fat ass, knows how to cook, has her shit together, classy in public and fucks like a porn star behind closed doors (!!!!!)," I guess I'm gonna have to kiss a couple more frogs. Back to the drawing board...

I'm in the process of finding a new roommate. This is always fun in NYC. My first one was a beautiful but narcissistic and promiscuous twink that stole from me, brought a different man home to bang every-other-night, fucked on my sofa and left owing me $1800. My second one was the younger brother of a famous rockstar with classical "living in shadow" syndrome - always feeling sorry for himself, battling addiction, and suicidal. And my third (current) one is emotionally retarded, passive-aggressive, and just plain weird. Not to mention, I wanna kick her little half dachshund/ half pug mix right in its googly little eyes. But that's neither here nor there. The prospect of having another crazy living in my house is more than a little unnerving. Too bad getting an apartment in this city requires a little thing like having a job. Sheesh. Which bring me to my next point...

I need a damn job! Argh! These student loans are rapidly dwindling, I refuse to tuck my tail between my legs and retreat back to *gasp!* Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and I really, REALLY wanna stay in Brooklyn. So, yeah. This should be interesting...

Aaaand, that's about all for now. I should probably make a disclaimer to my readers that I have no intention of pulling any punches in this blog. Good, bad, or indifferent, I say what's on my mind. I won't name any names, but I'm sure I'll talk shit about some people. It's not that I'm callous, it's that I'm REAL. And sometimes reality hurts. So please understand in advance that if you are reading an entry and it's sounding familiar - it's not meant to hurt anyone. It's just what I'm feeling and thinking at a given time.

So that's all for now, folks! Hope you enjoy the ride!

XOXOX