Sheesh.

So I just spent the last hour writing a blog and I pressed the wrong button on my keyboard and lost the whole shit.

Perhaps it's for the best - I was writing a detailed account of my failed (albeit brief) relationship with the Hottie Tattoo Artist and that may have been bad karma.

I'm too tired to write a full post, and I don't have the energy to revisit my romantic woes so I'll just mention a couple of observations about my day:

1) Job hunting sucks. It seemed so much easier before. Now that I have a Masters it's like - big shit. People see me as a professional now. While I am confident in my clinical abilities, there is this weird thing nagging at my subconscious. This weird little demon telling me that I'm a phony; that I'm not gonna make it. It's weird and frustrating and puts a lot of undue pressure on the situation. I'm grateful for the support of my friends and family, new and old. I couldn't have made it through these last couple years without them, and I am blessed to have them all in my life.

2) Yoga has changed my life. I cannot even tell you. I've been feeling a little down lately what with school being over indefinitely and roommate drama and being unemployed/running out of student loans and unrequited love (or like, as the case may be) and what-not. I've recently started doing yoga regularly, as for a couple months there I was barely getting it in once a week. I mean, after only a few days of being back to my daily yoga routine, I feel amazing. I feel agile, flexible, energetic when I want to be, sleepy when I need to be, sexy (I don't care what anyone says, yoga IS sexy!) and stress-free. I breathe in deep, cleansing breaths and breathe out all of the bullshit. I feel so good. I am so grateful to have found this exercise.

3) I like Mr. Hottie Tattoo Artist way more than he likes me, and that both hurts and pisses me off. Why doesn't he like me? I don't mean to sound arrogant, but what the hell? If I'm everything he's looking for, why is it so hard for him to take a chance? He moved to fuckin' Canada after only spending a couple weeks with his baby's mom, and he finds her boring and feels no passion with her. Ugh. It's so rare that I like a man enough to keep him around a while, let alone feel like I want to be with him. It's so disappointing when they don't feel the same. It's a weird combination of rejection, sadness, disappointment, incredulity, and indignation that I feel. I hate that he's on my mind ALL the time, and I probably never cross his. I hate that I can't find a guy as handsome and smart and funny and sexy as him that doesn't have all the baggage. I hate that I even have to feel sorry for myself at all. Fuck that.

A few songs on heavy rotation in my brain lately: "Pillow Talk" by Kid Cudi, "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt, "Where I wanna Be" by Donnell Jones, "I'm the One" by Mary J. Blige and "Untouchable Face" by Ani DiFranco. If you don't know 'em - listen. Better yet, read the lyrics. You'll understand exactly what I'm going through. Ugh. Sometimes it sucks being sensitive...

4) I started talking to a new guy today. I like him. He actually talks like he makes some damn sense. He seems to know what he wants. He knows what it takes to form successful relationships with people. He likes to read. He's an artist. He's articulate. He's opinionated. He's patient. His family history is cool. He's single, he doesn't have a baby's mom tucked away in another country somewhere "just in case." He doesn't have any kids. Wowza. He might as well be a fucking unicorn. So, ya know - we'll see how this turns out. Despite my checkered romantic past, I am hopeful. I'm always fucking hopeful.

5) Nurse Jackie and United States of Tara keep getting better and better. US of Tara tonight was particularly great. Lynda P. Frazier is just a great character, and makes me wish she was a real person. And I still say Edie Falco and Toni Collette are two of the coolest women ever. I want to have drinks with them sometime and shoot the shit. Yeah...